Snowgaine-O

I did my first event with Team POLeR, a six-hour "rogaine style" orienteering event at the Mississippi Palisades SP. We had a blast, and came in 9th (out of like 14). That's pretty good considering the field (lots of very quick, seasoned veterans) and conditions. Plus, we were the only team of four, which is generally slower. Oh yeah... they had me on board, and I am totally clueless. A bit of a handicap, one might say.

Mississippi Palisades is a beautiful park north of the QCA, covered with anywhere from 6" to 3.5' of snow. The temps ranged from 15degF to a balmy 25degF. I wore some old hiking boots, wool socks, running tights with cycling tights over top, base layers, ANdrea's old TargetTraining jacket, Salsa beanie, etc. The rest of the team showed up in mostly waterproof gear. Most noteable: gaiters. Oh shit, I thought. What am I getting in to?

I understood the need for the gaiters early on; after about 45 minutes we stopped because my ankles were caked with snow and I was walking in the resulting melted snow: water. I fashioned my own pair of gaiters out of a couple of plastic shopping bags and some duct tape, which worked well for a few hours. Luckily I had an extra pair of socks to change into. The only time we were truly on pavement was when we cut across the park to Hwy 84 to jog in. The cutoff time was 3:00pm; we checked in at 2:58.

I made a real effort to keep myself nourished during this event. Since we were hiking, I aimed for 20-30 grams of carbs every hour, as well as water the whole time. I had to keep my Camelbak Helena tube/mouthpiece in my cleavage to keep it from freezing. I also used my "boob warmer" to unfreeze gels and bars. Very handy! (Note: this area is also very useful as a garbage can in the warmer months.) My goal was to not embarrass myself and bonk during my first event with this group. Aside from the sock/gaiter situation, it all worked out well.

The were a few mishaps: in two and a half feet of snow, I walked straight into a tree stump- bashing my knee/shin. This isn't half as bad as when Code took a branch to the area right below his left buttcheek. Three inches to the right, and he'd a been fucked. Literally. He says it looks worse than it feels. Jesus, I hope so... because that looks like hell.

Results: immediate purchase of Gore-Tex gaiters, purchase of Ace ankle supports, 9th in a crazy strong field, flesh wounds for Code.

i made veggie soup!!!

i eat like a child.

so, i have decided to prepare food like a child. but i have limited what my ingredients are. i found if i just pick the veggies i like, throw them in a pot of veggie broth, boil 'em for a minute, then simmer 'em for 20 more, i have perfectly good soup that i will actually eat. it's worthy of an installment of The Boxcar Children.

here's what i did:
30-32 oz. of veggie broth. (i used Imagine Organic. it's tomato/carrot based.)
4 cups of any kind of veggies you want. this is where you can get freaky. i went with potatoes, carrots, spring greens (the pre-mixed organic stuff), onion, tomato, and chopped fresh garlic.
1/2 - 1 tsp. various seasonings. i used sea salt, pepper, chili powder, and basil.

boil it. simmer it. eat it!

there's hope for me yet!

blood sugar trainwreck

it's no secret that i have a strained relationship with food. we've never been buds... and i'm pretty sure the bitch owes me twenty bucks. lately i've been trying to incorporate more greens (blech!) and fruit, and eat fewer processed animal and sugar products. this week so far, i have had three salads and more PB&J than i care to disclose.

in my attempt to limit my processed sugars, i made a rule: when i am craving soda, i can only have Coca-Cola, and only in a can. this means that if i have a weak moment while driving and stop into a convenience store, i can only purchase a can of Coca-Cola. if they don't have cans, i have to opt for water. this is more effective than you would expect.

yesterday, about 45 minutes after having a lunch, i began to sweat profusely. my hands began to shake and i became lightheaded. lunch consisted of a small mixed greens salad with egg whites, kalamatas, and strawberries with some corn & potato chowder soup (i made myself!) and some caramel-flavored rice cakes. i drank water because the gas station i stopped at on the way to work only carried Coke in 20 oz. bottles... boo.

due to the timeline (45 minutes), i was pretty sure that i was heading into some pretty raunchy food poisoning territory, so i told my boss that i was leaving before we all regretted it. on the way home, i began to crave sugar in an unholy way. i stopped at known seller of Coke In Cans to get my fix on, to find the Coke slot empty! i stood there, betrayed, looking back and forth from the sprite to the diet coke. then- there, at the bottom of the cooler, was a 12-pack of the beloved Can! it took me three seconds to decide i was going to buy the whole fucking thing. i had the pack ripped open before i even reached the counter.

i drank my beloved Can in about two gulps, got home, crawled onto the couch and woke up two hours later... still in my coat. but no violent excreting, from either end. i felt better if not drowsy. a few armchair experts tell me they think it was some sort of blood sugar crash or hypoglycemia. any educated or medicated guesses are welcome.

my question is: why hasn't this posed a problem before?

this is what i get for trying to eat healthy.

i know what it feels like when hell freezes over

Frostbite Footrace 8K (4.96 miles)

Around this time, we all get a little sick & tired of trainers and treadmills. Our judgment becomes impaired and we can be talked in to just about anything. This is how races such as the Frostbite Footrace can be successful.

The course is challenging on a pleasant day; any cyclist that has done DICE's Cody races in the spring can vouch for the hilliness of Scott County Park. Add to that a start time temperature of -3* F, with a wind chill bringing it down to -27* F. So there you have it: I was in hell, and it was definitely frozen.

Yes, bullshit at it's finest.

I am very proud of my iPod; it almost lasted until the second mile before freezing. There is not much to say about my actual running of this race, except that it proved what Andrea & I have said all along: What doesn't kill you is going to hurt really bad. The third mile was the worst. This was where taking a deep breath started to create pain in my left shoulder/shoulderblade area. I also began to get the sensation that I was simply running on stumps instead of feet. Not sure, but I think this had something to do with numbness in the toes. My left knee also felt a bit out of whack. Good times!!

The race itself is always well run (this was the 26th annual), and they had a raffle with great swag. I won a long sleeve Mizuno Dryscience running shirt! Post race had hot cider and cookies. I was hoping to beat last year's time by at least a minute or two, but after hearing the weather forecast I let that go. I've never been much of a runner anyway. I ended up with the EXACT SAME TIME as last year. Literally. To the second. It was good for second place in my AG.

Anyway, I got my subzero fix. I'll be happy enough on the trainer inside a heated building for a while longer.

results: 00:46:34 for 8K, frozen iPod, images that will haunt me forever of men with snot icicles on their porn 'staches

blunt force trauma @ the jingle cross rock

the weekend after thanksgiving was the Jingle Cross Rock , the biggest badass CX race that this area has to offer. i have to say that the Meehans and all of the volunteers really throw down and make this event something to behold.

i felt a little guilty at first for registering for the beginner's race... you would think after however many years it's been, i would be strong enough to at least consider myself "intermediate". then i saw the rosters for the other races and realized that my field was definitely in the beginner's. note to self: one full winter of lazing about and drinking beer will really fuck up a racing season. who knew you couldn't get faster by sitting on your ass? i'll chalk that one up to experiential learning.

anyway, i'm psyched that i did the beginner's, because it was the first race both days-- opening up the rest of the day for spectating and a little carb replacement. it was also an "easier" course, with the run-ups shortened (which in turn shortens the descents). this "easier" course completely maxed out my current abilities, so i had no more guilt for registering 'beginner'... especially since i finished 10th both days. no puking at all... not even any jitters. i think it has something to do with jumping out of that plane. this just doesn't seem all that dangerous any more.

of note here is Kathleen Porter (KP) of Bike Tech, who has sprung out of nowhere to become really strong. this season, she was seen doing multiple races at events like Psyclofest and the Iowa State CX Champs. guess it paid off: she stomped us on saturday. nice work! another reason i'm a KP fan: she gets cleaned up faster and better than anyone else at the race. while some of us can barely bother to throw on sweatpants, KP will be in full makeup and heels before we're off the course. since my biggest pet peeve in the world is when a (female) bike racer throws caution and hygiene to the wind and wears their kit all damn day (chamois and all), KP's astounding ability to look attractive after slaughtering a field is refreshing.

anyhow, the course had a lot of fun in it, including long straight sections to pick up speed, slippery run-ups, rockin' descents, even a barn full of sand. we went one direction saturday, and then reversed it for sunday. i felt much stronger and was having a much better race on sunday until i decided to lay my bike down a couple of times. the first time wasn't such a big deal; i just slid too much trying to climb a weird switchback that a lot of folks were having trouble with. i lost about three postions in that first fuckup, but it was the second one that really cost me. i slid out again, but this time on a flat, sweeping 180. the ground was icy, too much air in my tires, blah blah. whatever happened, i wet down hard and hit my head. not sure how many girls came around me at that point, because i was on my hands and knees trying to figure out where i was. one girl asked, "are you alright?" me: "no. i hit my head." apparently the question was meant to be rhetorical, because she kept riding and didn't bother to alert the officials, even though they were stationed at the next turn. what-the-fuck-ever. no one was coming to the rescue, so i got on my bike and kind of coasted forward to the officials. they told me it was the last lap and i should "stick it out", so i did... and ended up 10th again.

the elite races fucking ruled, with crazy-ass people like todd wells, steve tilford, sue butler and wendy williams. andrea was in town for the holiday and raced as well, which ruled equally.

the weekend would not be complete without Team Skin, who created their trademark course-side pyramid and supplied many a stranger with music, cold beer, and/or a tambourine. i swear to god that JJ was looking at me when i tossed him a beer across the course- but when the beer reached critical arc he turned away... and received a full can of High Life to the forehead. holy shit- there's a classic deb wood for you: hey, thanks for the good times and beer, guys! have a little blunt force trauma on me!

but what's a bike race without a little injury? i owe JJ a bunch of beer.

results: 10th twice, animosity for racers who don't help other wrecked racers, mild hangover, blunt force trauma for JJ & myself

just a sweet transvestite

friday after the freefalling experience, i headed in to cedar rapids to see a theater production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. one of my best buddies from early high school, Bryant, was Frank N. Furter himself!!

it was a great time. the theater even had bags for participation already prepared! and Bryant was beyond brilliant. i swear to god, he has been rehearsing for that role since the day he left the womb.

afterwards, lindsay, molly, and myself hunted bryant down. we had to follow him to the dressing room before we could steal him away for some late-night perkins. while in the dressing room, we encountered many interesting things, including The Love Phantom and Jolly Green Peter Pan. Jolly Green Peter Pan (JGPP) earned his name by changing into his completely green street clothes and offering us chocolate pudding. he had this really bizzarre, slow, matronly way of speaking; almost like Frank N. Furter. "would you like some puh-ding? after we all denied said pudding, he asked, "would any of you ladies like to carry my surrogate child? maybe we'll have a hermaphrodite." hmmm... sweet transvestite, indeed!

The Love Phantom simply wanted to hump my leg. molly has an incredibly funny picture of him huffing me in the dressing room. in the photo, i am completely oblivious.

terminal velocity

so i took last thursday off of work to go and jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

i went to the Chicagoland Skydiving Center in Hinckley, IL... home of the highest tandem jump in the U.S.

at 14,500', leaping out of the side of a plane (or, in my case, getting shoved out by my tandem instructor), results in a brief period of falling at 170-180 mph. the instructor then throws a small parachute to create drag and slow you to 120mph--terminal velocity--and you will remain at this speed for 60 seconds (known in some areas as one full minute).

sean jumped, too (it was his idea) and brought his buddy bruce. bruce and i were both green.

surprisingly, i wasn't nervous at all (at first). i did, however, bring a full extra set of clothes just in case i did shit my pants or vomit down my shirt... i was not sure that my vomit-direction controlling skills would apply in this particular situation.

but it was okay; i was chill suiting up, taking direction, even on the plane. it was not until we were at the door of the plane, with me hanging over the edge, that i began to freak. while my instructor, Rob, hurled me over the edge and for the first six or so seconds of freefall, i really felt as though i had made an error.

there is no sensation of falling when you are dropping at terminal velocity. i'm not sure if it's the lack of objects flying past or the inability to gauge speed. but there is intense pressure. at one point, i was pretty sure that i was going to puke out my heart and lungs, and that the veins in my forehead would explode, drenching Rob and myself in blood. gross.

but then i came around, and really enjoyed it. every now and then, my heart would drop suddenly and panic would strike, but it would pass quickly and i'd be right back to enjoying the ride.

at 6,000', Rob gave me the "signal" to pull the ripcord. i looked down and couldn't see it. i tried to tell him that he needed to pull it, but he just pointed in my face (the "signal") again. i reached back and, surprisingly, found it right away! i pulled it and we bounced forward as the parachute released. we took our time floating down, and were able to land on our feet.

of course i have pictures.